Opposition to opposite marriage at Miss USA

By contributing hater, Kenny Darter

The opposite of marriage is clearly not divorce.

Or single life.

It’s gay marriage, you idiot. Well, it is according to Carrie Prejean, the intellectual giant and premiere legal scholar of this or any other century. Prejean happens to be Miss California, and here’s her reasoned deduction of the constitutional merits of marriage.

Prejean responded to a question posed by Perez Hilton, the guru of interwebs-based Hollywood gossip and someone who’d like to, one day, get opposite married. Because he’s opposite heterosexual. You can say “gay” for short.

I should have stuck with the Somali pirates question.

Hilton proceeded to decapitate Miss California via video blog, calling her response “the worst answer in pageant history” and calling Prejean a “dumb bitch.” Hilton later opposite criticized her, or apologized.

Then Hilton opposite apologized. And he called Prejean the c-word, which I don’t like, so I won’t write. No matter how much he wants to waterboard Miss California, Hilton should try not to be an opposite decent human being.

You have to give it to Prejean – who finished runner up in the contest – for winning over the crowd. The audience erupted when she said she supports the traditional view of marriage. Hilton and the other three opposite marriage advocates in attendance were disheartened – made clear by Hilton’s post-answer look. It’s priceless. It’s a concoction of anger, humiliation and astonishment at Miss California’s new catchphrase.

I can actually see this phrase catching on in teeth-gnashing living rooms across the planet.

I want an opposite marriage!

With gay marriage passing muster recently in Iowa and Vermont, I’m sure Hilton thought his question was a cinch – a chance to hear a Miss USA contestant say that she was alright with two girls or dudes getting hitched. Instead, he got the opposite.

Try again in 40 years, Perez.

Prejean shouldn’t be hated on for her opposition to gay marriage. After all, she’s among the majority of Californians who made a special effort last fall to ensure boys don’t marry boys any time soon. My hate stems from her refusal to utter the words “gay marriage” and her answer’s utter lack of substance.

It’s gotta be tough to tackle a sticky wicket like gay marriage in a minute, but Prejean could have mentioned something — anything — about the pros and cons of bringing the issue to ballot measure, passing legislation in statehouses or having the courts decide the matter.

Instead, bupkis. My family thinks it’s wrong, she said, so I think it’s wrong. Good night, Miss USA! Drive home safely.

No matter how cringe-inducing Prejean’s marriage classification system was, she beat the hell out of Miss Teen South Carolina’s answer in 2007, when she broke down why “U.S. Americans” sometimes don’t have access to maps and therefore cannot help countries such as “the Iraq,” South Africa and the “Asian countries.” Such as. Such as. Such as.

Prejean has her share of knights of journalistic honor defending her on various web sites, including some columnist named Mark Joseph. He points out that Prejean’s views on marriage are identical to those of President Obama and Elton John.

Except for one crucial part. Obama, I recall, never mentioned his opposition to opposite marriage on the campaign trail (he’s against gay marriage, which is an actual, working, real-life phrase). I seem to recall zero questions from debate moderators about the candidates’ feelings on the opposite of marriage.

I'll show you a little opposite marriage, Barack.

Prejean seemed queasy – terrified, perhaps – to say the dirty little phrase “gay marriage,” which, no matter what your stance is on the topic, you should be able to say when the validity of the institution is in question. Prejean later said that her sister is pro-gay marriage. She’s not gay, Prejean ensured her listening audience, but her sister advocates for gay people. Or something.

In an interview with Access Hollywood, Prejean said her answer “cost me my crown.” But clearly, it had nothing to do with her word choice. She may have lost Miss USA, but she’s a shoe-in for Martyr of the Year.

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